I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
