Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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