i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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