My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize