is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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