Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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