I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize