I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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