There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
