Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize