bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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