i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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