Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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