I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
