So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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