you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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