do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
