Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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