she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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