My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
