My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
