There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
