I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
