i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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