you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize