**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
