After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
