I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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