its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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