ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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