....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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