he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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