Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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