just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize