Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
