This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
