I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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