everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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