dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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