So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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