New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
