When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
