he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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