I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize