This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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