your parents love me but you hate me
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize