Where did you get a picture of my penis
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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