my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
