dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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