Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
