I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
