I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
