You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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