I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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