I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just want nice things and good sex
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
