god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We left the knife in your bed.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize