Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize