I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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