I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
