I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
