with your own penis?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
