threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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