mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
