I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
