You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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